I sit here, coffee in one hand looking out at the window where the weather is for once something other than windy and raining. I'm on the train to work and I'm about to dig out my book. This is a peaceful and fairly quiet moment. Nothing special or significant, that is, until a fleeting thought pops back into my head. It's a familiar friend, who visits me often. It is far from welcomed, but at the same time, its presence almost feels comfortable. It's name? Failure. Or, more specifically, the feeling of being defined by failure.
It creeps up on me when I least expect. Like an itching sensation crawling up my spine. It winds me - knocks all the air out of my lungs. One minute I'm fine, the next I'm frozen. Choking on my own thoughts. Suffocated by the instant replay projected into my consciousness. The present is on pause.
It's weird, isn't it? When you know deep down something can't be true yet you believe it anyway?
Safe to say, I've always had a problem with failure, or more so, how to deal with it. It's something we all experience multiple times throughout our lives. In fact, I firmly believe that sometimes we need a good old dose of failure to make us realise what we want - and how badly we want it. But of course, it's all much easier said than done. That rejected application, exam fuck-up or catastrophe of a job interview - it all seems like such a big deal at the time. And of course, if it's a big enough deal in our own minds, the overwhelming feeling of being a failure will well and truly outstay its welcome.
I've had my fair share of experiences with failure - as do we all. It's not exactly something we can go through life without experiencing, is it? Although, despite its inevitability, I've found it to be the one thing that completely engulfs any of my successes. If the failure is bad enough, I'll replay it over and over to the point where it becomes paralysing. This isn't always a conscious thing either. Sometimes these feelings will pop out of nowhere as if to be completely out of my control. I'm not ashamed to admit that I struggle to deal with failure, being a serial perfectionist and all. It's the kind of thing that gets you branded a drama queen, let's be honest. But it's something I felt like I really wanted to hop on here and write about - air my thoughts. Because I'm sure a ton of people reading will relate to some extent.
Also, side note: there's really no better time to ramble on about the things lurking in the corners of your mind, than in the middle of a pandemic, am I right?
Some days you fall. Or trip. Or stumble. Or all-out crash and burn. Things don't always go as planned... it's called life.
While I'm far from being in a place to be able to merely brush the feeling off, I would definitely say things have made a slight improvement. I'm not going to sit here and reel off every single thing I've failed at (because what would that really achieve?), I am however going to share some little nuggets of wisdom that have really helped me. That's not to say I believe it all - I think that kind of thing comes with time (and practice). But I'm getting there, you know?
1. Not all your thoughts are true... no matter how many times you repeat them - this is a biggie for me.
2. Literally everyone fails at some point - you can't breeze through life without any bumps in the road.
3. Hey, there could even be a lesson in there.
4. Be kind to yourself. Yeah, really... who'd have thought it?
5. Would you ever say that to someone else? No? Well, why are you saying it to yourself then?
6. You're not stupid.
7. You're allowed to make mistakes. It's called being human.
8. If you get back up, you might succeed next time. Hey, the end result could end up being even more satisfying.
9. Failure doesn't define you.
10. I won't forgive myself if I don't at least try.
Okay, so now that ramble is over, I want to share one of my favourite quotes about this topic:
"It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well have not lived at all, in which case you have failed by default" - J.K Rowling
Final thoughts:
I think failure will always be something of a demon to me - I can't say that'll ever change. But maybe at some point, it won't be quite as crippling anymore.
- Chloe
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