Losing yourself and finding your way back

For me, 2019 marked a year full of incredible highs and extreme lows, with what felt like no in between. Of course, life is always going to be filled with bumps in the road - after all, you can't fully appreciate the highs if you don't experience the lows. But 2019 felt different for me. Everything I felt seemed to be at the extreme ends of the spectrum, and I truly felt like I lost myself along the way.

It was as if I was on a rollercoaster - and as soon as I'd reach the highest point, I would come crashing right back down at full throttle. 

The good.

There were a multitude of positive life changes I experienced throughout the last twelve months. Namely graduating with a first from uni - something I was so incredibly stressed about for so long, starting a full-time job (in the sector relating to my degree would you believe) and making some incredible new friends along the way.

Dark clouds.

In between all this, I lost a family member, stood up and spoke at their funeral, and had to move out of my house in Manchester (as someone who really values their independence - it really knocked me for six). All of these things really tested me, and, coming out of the other side towards the end of the year, I looked in the mirror and barely recognised myself. I'm by no means claiming to have the biggest problems in the world, and of course, I am fully aware that I lead an extremely privileged life - but I just want to shed light on the mental struggles that come along with truly forgetting who you are - and how to find your way back.

I put strain on what felt like every personal connection I had, and while I was somewhat aware I was doing it, I still couldn't stop myself. I pushed away some of my closest friends who I valued the most yet couldn't seem to stop self sabotaging. In the midst of all of the events that had happened throughout the year, and trying to deal with them, I'd come out the other end as a person who was alien to me. In fact, at one point, I literally sat there to myself thinking "Chloe what the fuck are you doing?". I don't know if anyone else can relate to this feeling as it's pretty hard to describe, but I literally felt like someone had erased my personality, interests, and what makes me me. I'd forgotten what I liked, who I was.

But, like with many things, this feeling starting to lift - but not without some intervention from myself. I'm a firm believer that change has to come from within. No matter how many times people try and advise you or harp on at you for something, things only start changing when you do. So, for the first time in my life, I sought out therapy (as someone who is very stubborn and not too keen on the idea of word vomiting all over a stranger - this was a very big deal). This obviously helped in a more proactive way - I have the mindset that everyone could do with a bit of therapy, although that wouldn't be entirely possible given the fact the mental health services under the NHS are chronically underfunded... but that's a story for another day.

I made a list of all the things I used to enjoy - art, writing, reading, watching TV (lol) and slowly eased myself back in. I also decided to celebrate Christmas with my family in Spain - not only to get a bit of sun on my back but to also mark some kind of new chapter I suppose. Like a clean slate.

Recently, as far as 2020 goes, I feel more like the old me. I've started so many little creative side projects alongside my job which keep me busy while I wait to move back to Manchester. I've found that for me at least, distraction is key. I'm fully out of my reading slump and have been enjoying digging out a good book on the commute back and to from work. And of course, work itself is a biggie. If I didn't have my job, I dread to think where I'd be. I'm one of the lucky few who genuinely enjoys getting up to go to work - in fact, half the time it doesn't even feel like work to me because I enjoy it that much. It's given me much-needed structure, routine, distraction and the added bonus of an amazing bunch of friends.

And finally, I feel like I've found my way back.

- Chloe